VOYAGER: Ship of Miracles
by IEatCats22
Summary: A fixer-fic that will resolve many if not all of the problems the show suffered from, while offering a greater emphasis on characterization and continuity. J/Cers especially may appreciate it. I know lots of people have done fixer fics but give this one a chance; you won't regret it! PLEASE R&R
1. Caretaken

A/N: Hi my peeps! I've decided to write a fixer fic for STAR TREK VOYAGER. I used to watch the show all the time on TV back in the '90s, and looking back, it had a good premise—people lost in space, a race of cyborgs chasing htem, a snotty hologram doctor, a lady captain!—but it really wasted said potential. So I'm writing this fixer fic to save the show's premise.

Plot problems I plan to fix include, but are not limited to:

 ** _INACCURATE CHARACTERIZATION:_** Captain Jane Way is so inconsistently written it's not even funny. One episode, she's this pragmatic, on-a-mission Starfleet captain. Then the next episode, she's all about politics and her love life, hanging out at a bar and trying to steal the waitress's boyfriend. Then suddenly she's an investigative reporter married to Columbo. Then in another episode she's got an eye-patch, and then in yet another episode the eyepatch is gone and she's gained like 15 pounds and a Russian accent.

Then there's the holographic Dr. Smith. He was cool and all, with his snooty, sophisticated personality, but I hate how he kept switching from good to evil, bald to having hair, to having an "H" on his head sometimes and sometimes not.

 **OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPES:** I'm looking at you Chakotay! I cannot believe Star Track thought it was okay to have a Native American Indian who falls into such stereotypes like having a dream catcher, talking about spirits, liking nature, being buff, having black hair.

Another character who I find to be a very offensive stereotype is Ensign Billy Kim. Not all Koreans are gangsters, and to introduce the one Asian crewmember murdering a businessman with a baseball bat before putting snakes on a plane to kill the witness is very offensive IMO.

Here's what I'm planning to fix these horrendous stereotypes; Chakotay will have traits _other_ than just being "the token Native American;" I'll explain his story-telling by making him a hobby anthropologist, and his stoic demeanor by him having a history in the military. He'll also have interest like paleontology, boxing, and being a vegetarian, so he'll have personality traits other than just stereotypes. As for Ensign Billy Kim, I'm going to portray him as a nice innocent sweet kind of boy, just trying to get by lost in space and wanting to get home, a sort of symbol of Earth's innocence in the future.

 _OVERALL BAD WRITING!:_ "Star Trek" the original series and "Star Trek: The Next Generation" were both classic, but "Voyager" made many a mishap that its precursors never would have. Every other episode ended with the Reset Button, so there was hardly any continuing storyline; the aliens always looked super-human, usually with lame rubber foreheads; recurring characters didn't recur very often, with the lame excuse of actors being unavailable or some trite; a never-ending supply of shuttles and redshirts for no explored reason; and finally, there were inconsistencies like Janeway's cat Spot changing genders from episode to episode, or the Doctor having a nice who time-traveled with him in early seasons that suddenly vanished and was never mentioned again.

Now I'LL **ADMIT** that I'll admit there were SOME good things on the show, like Seven out of Nine was a good character (but what the heck was with her strutting around like a slut in a red dress, and always having sex with the doctor when no one was looking? And that hairdo was just ugly on her, the chin-length, white-blond curly hair, she overall looked like something out of the '80s.) I also like Lt. B'Elanna Starbuck's problems with her anger issues, Commander Obama struggling to keep the fleet from separating and dealing with his best friend being a Cylon, and the black Vulcan guy with the "S" on his forehead who always said "Indeed."

SO the good things about "Star Trek: Voyager" will be salvaged, but the flaws will be flushed out like yesterday's turd you forgot to flush last night because you were drunk and forgot to flush.

I don't own "Voyager!" ….

* * *

 **CHAPTER ONE: "CARE TAKEN!"**

"What the hell happened here?" Demanded captain Jane Way.

"Indeed," said the Guy Who Says Indeed, from tactical. "We are indeed in an indeedly precocious predicimate, Jane."

"Lt., we've been friends for years," Captain Way ordered, "but please don't use my first name on the bridge. It's not crunch time yet!" Turning to her helmswoman she ordered, "Stadi, hail the Marquis ship!"

Stadi stubbornly refused to respond. The Betazoid was slumped in her chair with her eyes staring uninterested at her captain. irritated by her pilot's unprofessional air, Jane Way barked, "Lt. Stadi I gave you a direct order!"

"She's dead," Tom Bombadil, the convict Captain Way had just regurgitated from a Penile Colony on New Zeeland Prime, said taking a pulse.

"Fuck," Said Captain Jane Way.

"Indeed," said Lt. Tupac (I just remembered the character's name! Lol sorry, drinking Vodka while writing to help relax, and kind of tipsy lulz)

"Someone hail those Marquis motherfrakers!" Captain Way demanded.

"I'll do it!" Tom said, and hailed the Maruqis.

On the screen appeared a man who was sex on a stick from the forehead down, and one hideous buzzcut form the forehead up. He was dressed in a leather vest, a striped sweater, kakis and sexy combat boots (NOT buckskin and war paint like the racist real TV show introduced him in). on his forehead was a strange design that was neither from any real Indian tribe, but still admittedly funky and kind of hot so I decded to keep it in this fic, and I'll come up with a explination for it in a later chapter.

"I'm Commander Chevrolet. How may I be of assistance?" The Marquiz captain said threateningly, eyeing the Starfleet woman with a threatening glower that gave some hint of sexual lust.

"I've been sent to capture on your crew!" Captain Way replied. "I'm here to charge you with the murder of one Kardashian Gul Dukat!"

"Impossible!" Commmnader Chattaway gasped. "How could you possibly know that?"

"I'm an investigative reporter for Starfleet, in addition to being captain. my husband, Admiral columbo, send me on this mission aboard Voyager, to conduct an investigavive report of the Delta Quadrant. I have an eye-infection that sometimes crops up , which will explilan why I randomly have an eye patch now and then but sometimes not," she said, as an eyepatch had suddenly appeared on her fac,e "And also I spend a summer as an exchange student in Mother Russia, which iz why I somtimez speak wiz a Wussian accent."

"I will never surrender!" Commander Chipotle declared.

"You WILL surrender to me…." Jane Way said, "…in bed!"

"But you're married to COlumbo," Ensign Billy Kim argued.

"Sh!" Jane hissed. "I know! This is part of my under cover covert mission, to gain information from the Marquis captain ! It was my husband COlumbo's idea actually."

"Clever!" Said Billy Kim.

"Indeed" said the guy who says indeed (forgot his name again)

"Fine," Chocolate surrendered, "I'll give myself up to you Captain Way, only if you let my crew go."

"No!" cried his first officer, Lt. B'Lanna Starbuck, a half-Clingon and half-Cylon who enjoyed beerpong. "Who is she to make this decision for all of us?"

"She's the captain," Chattaway said grimly.

Chacotey was beamed off of his Marquis ship, the Moya, and onto Voyager, where he was taken into custody by the "indeed" guy and the sexy security guy with the black hair who I dno't think has a name. He was dragged to Jane Way's bed chamber where he quickly found himself restrained with many straps and chains and ropes and duct tape and polycarbon restraints and a pair of fuzzy hand cuffs. Then Captain Way entered in her pink night gown, from which she slowly began to strip and reveal her luxurious cream-white breasts topped with pink Irish nipples.

"I get what I deserve," the Marquis captain sobbed in againzoied defeat, as the Starfleet captian began to undress him, revealing his many exotic tattoos.

ELSE WHERE on the Marquis ship…..

"What are we going to do?" Demanded Ensign Samantha Wildman. "We can't leave our Marquis captain Chakotee to his fate!"

"Oh yes we can," said Dr. Archie Hopper from "Once Upon A Time" (don't ask me what he's doing in Chakotah's Marquis crew, but there he was, on "Voyager" on TV, so hey I'll take it. "I can guide us all through therapy, as your conscience. Loss of a captain to a horny woman is a grave but common occurance that we must deal with together."

"NO!" Yellled B'Elanna Starbuck. "I wn't have it! We must rescue him!"

"Yes!" Cried Kess, the Betazoid love-slave who was still exploring her mental powress. "We must save our captain! We are fighters after all!"

"But how?" Said Chief O'Brian

"We'll think of a way," replied Kai, Last of the Brunnen Gee.

Lt. Starbuck summoned her Klingon strength and her Cylon wit, and with much trepidation, summoned together an away team, including herself, Kess, Chief O'Brain, Archie Hoper, and three of the Ice Pirates.

They beamed onto Voyager wwith guns drawn.

"HOLY FUCK" Billy Kim cried out innocently, and swooned with fear, into a faint.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Tom cried. "THEY KILLED BILLY! YOU BASTARDSS!"

Lt. B'Nana Starbuck's screamed as she waved her faser threateningly, "WHERE IS OUR NAT OF AMERICAN CAPTAIN AND HIS UGLY HAIRCUT? RETURN HIM NOW!"

"Indeed I can not," Said Tupak. "He is curerenly in the captain's bed room, being deflowered by captain Jane Way."

Sudenly the door opened, that separated the captain's bedroom from the bridge. Captain Way and Chipolte could be seen ass naked, sitting on the bed and smoking. Captain Way now was wearing her eye pathc again, and wearing her investigative reporter trench coat.

"SO!" Captain Jane exclaimed. "You Marquis are secretly planning to blow up Starfleet's disco club!"

"How could you know that?" Chevrolet bellowed with horror and shock and sexual admiration n

"You mumbled it, while I was 'polishing your totem pole,'" she said.

"Fuck," the Marquis admitted.

"How dare you fuck our captain!" Starbuck declared, and launched herself at Jane Way.

"Aaah, fresh meat!" Captain way exclaimed. "I haven't shagged another girl since the Academy!"

"If you would all shut the fuck up for a moment," Lt. Tupac said, "I do indeed have some important information which I have forgotten to real,"

"WHAT" Jane Way screamed. "Make it snappy Tupoc, my lesbian drive ain't gonna last all day!"

'what I have failed to report my indeed captain is that I indeed failed to report we have indeed been flung 69,000000000,0000 light years away from Earth. We are lost in space. The impact killed Commander Stady, and injured the sight in your eye, epxlianing why you sometimes need an eye patch but sometimes not."

"NO!" Captain Jane cried. "I"ll never see my huisband columbo again!"

"But you can movie on," Chevrolet suggested.

"A half-Clingong half-Cylon will never survive out here," Lt. Starwalker sighed sadly.

"Yes you will,' Captain Jane said. "You will be my new chief engineer."

"What about me?" Asked Voyager's current engineer, Mr. Conductor (played by Alec Baldwin from "Thomas and the Magic Rail Road").

"Oh, yeah." Captain way got out her phaser and shot him.

"Sparkle, sparkle sparkle!" Mr. conductor cried out with his dying breath just before he vaporized.

"Gendleman," captain Way announced, "Ladies, today we begin a long journey home. We will continue as one crew, a Starfleet crtew. Theres another caretaker out there, ad well be looking for her. And well be looking for wormholes, and bungholes and any kind of hole that might make this journey more pleasurable. Set a course Mr. Solo….for HOME!"

 _ **TO BE CONTINUED!**_


	2. Sacrifice of the Soul

**AN: I have learned that drinking Vodka while I write is not always the best form if inspiration, as it may lead to writing mistakes and continuity errors. So I am switching to tequila. INJOY!**

 **In this chapter, I will indrotuce the characters of Number Seven and Dr. Smith. Liek I said in chap. 1, I like boht characters but not the inconsistances with them. So here, i will try to explain and make sense of them all.**

* * *

Every since the starship Voyager had freed Number Seven from the Replicant Collective, the stunning blonde cyborg had captured the hearts of many men aboard, as well as a few women. The holographic Dr. Smith desighed a biosuit that could change colors at will, from silver to blue to plum colored, and once a week, stated she must give her body a break from the constraining catsuit and wear a sexy red dress. Sometimes she wore black and fishnets and did her hair like an 80s rockstar instead. But it was all very continuity friendly because now it had an explniatino.

"Dr. Smith," Number Seven asked one day, "Why is it that sometimes you have hair, and sometimes you're bald, and sometimes you have a ltter H on your forehead?"

"My program is malfunctioning, you connivingly beautifeous, buxom bucket of bolts!" Dr. Smith explkained suavely. "Every since this starship was flung into the Delta Quadrant, by the Caretaker, my program has been damaged and buggy."

"Perhaps our chief engieer, Lt. B'Elanna Starbuck, can help with that," Seven replied. "Chief O'Brian can help."

"Arent' you forgetting a 'chief?'" Lt. Tom Bombadil, the ship's pilot and bitter ex-boyfriend of Commander Chipolte, snickered.

Wrinkling his nose at the pilot's racist joke, Cheverolet sneered, "Go play with some Propane, you dumb cracker."

"GENTLEMAN, that will do!" Captain Jane Way bellowed, her eyepatch quivvering with rage. "I will not tollerage racial insults in my crew unless they are directed at Vulcans!"

"Indeed," said Lt. Tupac. "For it does seem that while mocking one's religion, gender or ethnicity is unacceptable, mocking thier planet of origin is a-okay."

"Indeed, you green-blooded hobgoblin," Dr. Smith agreed.

"CAPTAIN!" Lt. Kess screamed over the intercomm. "We're under attack by Species 8675309, and they are trying to commune telepathically with me! It's heightening my powers out of control!"

"I have an idea," Number Seven suggested. "Perhaps if I assimilate Kess with my assimilatino tubules, I can assist her in taking in the aliens' tleepathic message. I do after all have experience sharing a mind with others, being in the Cylon collective, so I can help the young Love Slave with this matter."

"If you're confident it will work, the n do it." Jane Way nodded.

Seven ran to the bridge, where Lt. Kess sat gripping the handles of teh captain's chair with fear. the beautiful young love slave's blue hair qivvered with fear, as she stared ahead with wide eyes of horror.

"Do not be alarmed," Number Seven said. "I will assimilate you to assiste you with this telepathic message, and all will be well."

With a nod of approvaal from Kess, Seven put her assimilation tubes into the Love Slave's neck, penetrating her moist flesh. For a moment , there was silence between the two women. Then Kess exploded.

"Balls," Number Seven said, wipping bits of Kess off herself. "Well can't be rite all the time can I."

Ensign Billy Kim cried from his station at tactical, "OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED KESS! You bastards!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" screamed Neelix, who then beamed himself itno space, killinghimself. But he brought a bomb wiht ihm, blowing uip all the Species 857whatever ships and saving the quadrant.

A tear glistened on Captain way's face. "We will never forget teh Headgehog's brave sacrafice."

The crew now stood around a statue of Neelix, carved out of Talaxian Pudding, all dressed in black and holding umbrellas in the rain (Naomi Wildthing set off the fire alarm by mistake so the ceiling sprinklers all went off like rain around teh ship).

But in the back of the room, a snister voice chuckled. It was Commander Seska, the Kardashian spy disguised as Tommy Wiseau from "The Room." Laughing to hesrself, Seska said evilly, "Soon my plan will be complete. They'll never know that I poisoned Kess, causing her to overload when Seven tried to assimilate her, and as planned, Neelix disposed of himself. Now that the two Delta Wuadrant experts are out of teh way, I can lead this ship into a trap, as planned!"

Ensign Billy Kim sstared at her, as she had just narrated her plan out loud. "Um, wut?"

Seska's eyes shifted under her crazy black wig and tuxedo. "I mean...Oh hai Billy! How's your sex life?"

"Oh hai Lt. Commander Wiseau!" Billy Kim said. "Wnana play some foot ball?"

THE END...

...?


	3. A Traitor is Reveled!

**AN: At the suggestion of a devoted fan, I have changed the catoegory of this story to "Prodigy" and "Horror." I didn't relize I counted as a prodigy (I know I'm good but wow, I had no idea!) and now I think of it, there is quite a bit of horror in this story. Many reviewrs have expressed feelings of shock and revulsion at this story, and many have described my writing as "horrifying." So Prodigy/Horror it is!**

 **NOTE:I think that religion was not the best handeld on Star Trek...OR in Fan Fiction. On the won hand, we have stories like "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles," that bash non-Christians in a very prejudiced way. But at the same time, other stories like "My Immortal" have all the characters as Satanists who bash Christianity in a very disrespctful and unfair way. To solve this, I have chosen to make Voyager's pilot Tom a Christian, and his cute friend Billy Kim a Satanist. This way, by having the two best pals on Voyager be a Christian and a Satanist, I can make a commentary about regliions tollerence in the future, much in the spirit of star trek.**

 **INJOY!**

"Oh my Satan!" Ensign Billy Kim exclaimed. "The EMH is such an insufferabley rude snob!"

"Speak not to me, you precociously preposterous pile of tribble manuer," the holographic Dr. Smith said ruefully. "I have far better things to do with my time than to waste trying to teach opera to an unappreciative, uncultured, man-child of an organic."

"Doctor Smith," Commander Checotah said sternly, "If you weren't bald already I would scalp you."

"Silence, you treacherously tattooed terrorist," the doctor replied smugly. "I have seen the lustful glances you have thrown at Number Seven, my pupile and future love interest. Do not think for a moment that you shall win her over with your low soft voice and tree-hugging antics."

"Come on Billy," Lt. Tom Bombadil said to his best friend. "I'm on my way to church. You can come with me. Even though you're a satanist, non-christians are welcome. it will make you feel better."

"True," Billy Kim said. "For although I worship the PRince of Darkness and you Jesus, one thing both our religions may agree on is that a pile of photons lacking hair does not qualify as one of God's cihldren. Or Satan's."

"Suck my photons!" Dr. Smith challenged, but they had already left sickbay.

ELSEWHER, Seska the Kardashian spy plotted evilly, behind her disguise as a tuxedo-wearing, football-playing hobo. "Soon, my plan to take over Voayger shall be complete!"

"Seska!" said Lt B'Elanna Starbuck. "Aren't we gonna play football on the holodeck today? I replicated a tuxedo and everything!"

"Of course, my Bestie!" Seska said evilly.

"it's so great that Admiral Tommy Wiseau's niece jioned the Marquis," B'Elanna said, as they tosesd the football back and fourth. "As a Klingon/Cylon hybrid, I could never relate to anyone, until I met an alien from a species of mixed hobo/football player heritage. Your my only friend who understands my dueled heirtage."

Commander Chevrolet commetned, "I never even knew Tommy Wiseay HAD a niece!"

"Um yeah," Seska changed the subject. "Hey, anyone catch that episode of Captain Proton?"

"Um, no," Tom said, "I'm still in the middle of writing it."

"Oh yeah..."

Chipolte sighed with agony. "How can I explain to Seska that there is now another woman in my life? On the one hand I love SEska, with her black flowing hair and spiffy suits and athletic adventerous personality...but on the other hand, Katherine is the most special, amazing woman I have ever encountered! Who shall I chose? I need spiritual advice!"

Tom offered, "Jesus would say that the best decision wouuld be neither, since sex is a sin."

Billy Kim added, "You could offer a sacrafice to Satan, and maybe he will solve the dilema for you."

"Um...anyone on board following Native American religion?"

"I do," said a random ensign not important enough to the plot to be given a name. "I have like eight tribes in my faimly! One is christian, but you already got some Jesus advice, so I'll skip that. The rest are, like, really complex, and would take me a few hours to explain to you, since each tribe has such a uniquely-"

"FUCK IT," Chocolateh sighed, "I'll do a stereotypical hollywood indian visino quest, even though the author promised to get away from stereo types. Wheres the peyote?"

"Oh shit that was yours?" Cpatain Jane Way burped. "I just saw it sitting by your chair and was all, 'hey, this might go good in coffee...'"

"Maybe I want to be with Seska after all," Chakotey pondered.

"IT'S A TRAP!" Number Seven suddenly screamed, tearing into the room (whichever room they are in, I forgoet) in her red dress. "Seska is not persons who she claims to be! I have assimilated all the information on Admiral Wiseau and he HAS NO NICE! Look!"

With that, Seven tore off Seska's black wig, revealing the Kardashian alien stuffed into the ugly tuxedo.

Everyone gasped!

"Mommy I'm scared!" Yelled Naomi Wildthing (she was born between last episdoe and this one, and grew up fast because she's half Ewok, remember).

"I'm here baby!" Naomi's mother, Ensign Sandra Wildthing, held her cihld tight.

"Me too!" Said Sandra's husband, Chief O'Brian, and Naomi's father, drawing a phaser to protect his wife and kid.

Seska raised her foot ball threateningly...and threw it! it hit Checote in the head, knocking him unconsicous, and bounced off to Captain Way's head, doing the same to her, and rickoched off every crewman's head until they were un conscious. When it hit Dr. Smith's head he went off line.

LATER

Chakotey awoke to find himself in a dark prison cell, in his tiger-stripped boxers, restrained to a table with more straps and chains than a las vegas stripper staring in "Lord of the G-Strings 2."

"Where am I?" he demanded.

Sseska emerged frmo the darkness. "You are with me and my new allies... the Jam'Harder from Deep Space Nine!"

AUTHORS NOTE: I had always thought it was a missed opportunity to not have more connectiosn btween the Star Trak series, hence the appearence of the Jam"Harder in this re-write.

Chakotay gasped with rage and sobbed, "The Jam'Harder murdred all the Marquis back home!"

"Yes," the JamHarder captain growled. "And now we will kill you as well, slowly, uneslss you tell us Voyager's command codes."

"Blow me!" Chekotay bellowed bravely.

"Don't mind if I do," Seska said, and began to pour choclate syrump all over his expoded, restrained bod.

"I will never takl you slut," Chekote said.

MENAWHILE

"Guess who got kinapped again," Captain Way sighed.

"Indeed," Lt. Tupac said. "Perhaps I should led the rescue mission."

"Very well," Captain Way said. "Bring Lt. Starbuck, Capain Solo, Officer Sun, Ensign Tweedle, and Colonel Sandurz with you."

"Indeed," the Vulcan agreed, adn teh team beamed away...


	4. A Love Slave?

**AN: Many author notes a** **head! (He,he, "head")**

 **FIRST thanks to my many devoted hundreds of reviewers!**

 **if you Injoy my voyager story's I urge you please to check out my "THE ROOM" piece, called GHOSTS IF THE PAST. It is to date the most serious, intense and gut wrenching tales I've writen to date. I have recently edited it a bit, so it should be even more better to read now.**

 **Second I will no longer be drinking Booz as I rite because Father OMally says it's a sin to indulge, so instead I'm snorting Coke (the soda) as inspiration.**

 **...and now, THE CAST!**

 **As a** **professional fanficer. I think my voyager re write warrants a cast listing, for when the TV executives discover this gem an decide to bring it to loaf.**

 **CAST FOR "STAR TRAK: VOYAGER: SHIP OF MIRACLES:"**

* * *

DREW CARREY as CAPTAIN JANE WAY

CHARLIE SHEEN as COMMANDER CHECOTEY

STORMY DANNIELS as NUMBER SEVEN

ANNA FARRIS as KESS

PETER FOCK'S ZOMBIE as ADMIRAL COLUMBO

LUCY LOO as ENDIGN BILLY KIM

THE CHICK WHO PLAYED THE ANGRY MEXICAN CHICK WITH THE EYE PATCH AT THE END OF "MACHETE" (spoiler !) as B'LANNA STARBUCK

CAPTAIN MALFOY FROM "FIREFLY" as LT TOM BOMBADIL

TOMMY WISEAU as SESKAH

SARAH PAILIN as QUARK

BILL CLINTON as PRESIDENT LAURA ROSALINDE

HALEY JOEL OSMAND as NAOMI WILDTHING

THE PILLSBERRY DOUGH BOY as NEEELIX

THE CHICK WHO VOICED POKAHONTAS WHO I WOOD TURN LES FOR as RANDOM N.D.N. ENSIGN WHO TALKED TO CHAKOTEH IN CHAPTER 3

RON BURGUNDY as KAZON CAPTAIN

CELOPHANE MURPHY as CHIEF O'BRAIN

STRAWBERRY YUMBERRY as THE BORG QUEEN

 ** _LET THE STORY BEGUN!_**

Commandre Chikachikaboomboom was cringed with fear at his Kazon and Kardashian captors. He struggled against the chain across his chest, the leather straps across his leg, the pink fizzy hand cuffs over his mouth, the mussle over his hands, the rope across his tummy, and the finger cuffs on his pinky, as the karsashyan spy's tongue inches closer n closer to his chocolate covered bod ...

ELSEWHERE

"fuck were almost outta time!" Said Seven to her away team.

"I'm running as fast as I can, you dastardly devious high tech damsel!" Said Dr Smith.

"Indeed," said the guy who says indeed (forgot his name again). "The Commander's time is indeed almost spent."

Sevens red dress and blond curls flew behind her as she ran. As her emotions rose, her Cylong Borg implants became moist with sweat.

"my try-quarter Can't find commander chakotuh's life signs." Cried B'Elanna Starbuck.

"wait" said seven "I herd something"

a voice ethereal and ghostly called "seven...you couldn't sav me bit you can save the commander ...down the hall and to the left "

"Kess?" Member Seven gasped

But the voice was gone .

Seven n her tem followf kess'ss instroction through the Kazon catycroooctobs and found Chipolte, lashed and bound to a table like a sacraficial stud on an Aztec alter in a porn-re-telling of Mezo-American history!

starbuck stabbed her ex best friend Seska in the back with a sharp foot ball. "You just made your last touch down!"the Klingon Cylcon hybrid spat.

"damn right," salsa gasps with her dying breath. "I've had my way w/ Chevrolet. Now we r married in the eyes of the gods!"

"Not quite," Chakotay smirked.

"YES quite!" Seska argued. "I sucked ur privates till they were ripe! You now beling to MEH in the eyes of katdashyin law, as we are officially married and you are my legal love slave."

""last time I cheked," the Nate of American man said, "my belly button was not a private part."

"what? But in the movie "the Room" tommy wiseu puts his thingy into Lisa's naval adn that's the sex scene!"

Number Seven explained, "tommy wiseu is a zombie Martian. Not an expert on human sexuality."

seska screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOIOOOOOOOOP!" Abd then expired.

"Seska me lov!" said her Kazon lover named Zam Wensleydale. "Get off my ship you murdering bung holes."

The team returned to voyager w the first officer, but alll wiz not well.

"Drat," said Hologram Dr Smith. "I've not seen a naval rash so bad since my impetuously impulsive niece Cassandra got her belly button pierced at the mall by a Ferengi named Bruno. Which is why I grounded her form joining me on my adventures in space after Season 2." (Another plot hole explaned, touch down !)

"Vat are our options!?" Asked captain Way, straitening her trench coat, and switching her eye patch to her other eye. "Vould eet help to kill moose and squirrel?"

"none of us can help him." Said the Doc. "But in our ship files is a back up holo-doctor for emergencies. I will activate him. Cumputer, activate Back Up EMH!"

everyone watches tensly as the new hologram formed, wondering who this new doctor wood be. Dr McCoy? Dr Crusher? Dr Seuss?

when the program finished formulating it was...Dr Frank N Furter!

 _ **TO BE CONTINUED...**_

* * *

 **It is now time for a little Q and A! The fan mail is already pouring in to my mail box here on FF. net. I always new I had the potential to be an internet celebrity, but never realized this dream would be realized so fast! And now, like Doug Walker and Jenna Marbles and all them other internet celebrities, I will answer me fan mail for all my fans to hear:**

 **GUEST writes:** Oh my. I read your summary and thought "Very cocksure of oneself"

 **ANSWER:** Actually, I am not quite 100% cock sure. I am mostly sure that I am a female, but my gender identity is still in question. Doctors think they may indeed have found a cock in my privates, but it may also be a forgotten tampon.

 **Doc Yowel writes:** Comecei o dia lendo isso, ri muito! estou pronta para uma quarta-feira chata! Obrigada!

 **ANSWER:** Go back to Mexico or learn English!

 **I Eat Dawgs writes:** I love the guy who always says indeed and all the other characters you write about.

 **ANSWER:** A great flaw of "Star Trek: Vooyager" was the horrible way the writers handled the characters. Ensign Kim never once developed from a naive young dweeb at all. Why didn't they ever give him any responsibilities or accomplishments, like have him design some weapons and technologies that end up helping the crew majorly, and have him start to command nite shifts? Would that be too hard?

And Commander Chattaway, the racist caricature of an Indian. He brought up "vision quests" and "spirits" almots once every season. Teh wrost was the episode (that I did not watch yet) where he gives out dream catchers to all the adult women on-board Voyager. UNFORGIVAABLE. He was also very bland and never once argued with or stood up to Jane Way (except in the one "Voyaer" episode I watched teh whole way through, where they argue about the Borg or something). _I_ am trying to write him wiht a pari of balls, as someone who actually has opinions that disagrees with his captain from time to time.

Overall, ALL teh characters were complely inconsistant in how they were written. One scene, Jaenway is relaxed and happy, and then all of a sudden she's acting sad that they're not home yet. One episode, B'Lanna is totally focused on an engineering project, and in another episode, she's all about her date with Tom Paris. One minute, Chakoteh is being a first officer on the bridge, and the next minute, he's in his quarters readign books like a nerd. WELL? Who is Chaktoay, a first officer or a bookie? Who is Janeway, a happy leader or a mopey emo one? Who is B'ELona, a brainy engineer or Tom's angry girlfriend? LEARN HOW CHARACTERS WORK YOU TWITS!

SO I am glad that you see my potential for writing great, 3Dimensinoal caractrs.

 **Stop writes (in my "the Room" fanfic):** This is horrifying

 **ANSWER:** I'm so glad the horror elements of my drama story horrified you! I'm glad I share Mr. Wiseau's traumatic flair for the dramatic!


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